A burglar entered a house through an open window, intending to steal from the sleeping homeowner. He was a third type of burglar, neither a gentleman nor a degenerate, but a respectable, unassuming man. He carried a revolver and chewed peppermint gum as he moved through the house. The burglar who respects his art always takes his time before taking anything else.
Upon entering the bedroom, the homeowner woke up and the burglar ordered him to raise his hands. The man complied, but could only raise one hand due to rheumatism in his shoulder.
The burglar sympathized, as he also suffered from rheumatism in his arm. They began discussing their experiences with the condition and various treatments they had tried, such as rattlesnake oil, Chiselum's Pills, and Blickerstaff's Blood Builder. It’s good for you that rheumatism and me happens to be old pals.
The burglar eventually put away his gun and suggested they go out for a drink, as alcohol was the only thing that seemed to help with the pain. I’ll tell you what! We’re up against it. I only find one thing that eases her up. Hey? Little old sanitary, ameliorating, lest-we-forget Booze. The homeowner agreed, but needed help getting dressed due to his condition. The burglar assisted him, and they left the house together.
As they were leaving, the homeowner remembered he had left his money on the dresser and tried to go back for it. The burglar stopped him, insisting that he would cover the cost of their drinks. They continued discussing potential remedies for their rheumatism, such as witch hazel and oil of wintergreen, as they left the house.